Lighten Up: An Orwellian View of Real Estate in the New Millennium

When I first waded into real estate brokerage waters in the late ’40s, MLS and “lady real estate men” were just catching on, and the license exam was a not-too-daunting intelligence test (“Black is to white as night is to ____”).

One of the hot “computerization” products was a stack of listing cards that had holes or notches around the perimeters; selections were made with an ice-pick-like device that let you lift from the files only the cards with holes and ignored those with notches. Before you snicker, consider that today’s Pentium Powerhouses do pretty much the same thing, only faster and without the ice pick.

My first sale was a $7,500 row house, and the entire contract was printed on one side of a single sheet of paper. Closing costs were less than $300, and except for a $15 appraisal, there were no inspections.

This was the era of caveat emptor, a time-honored doctrine destined to be replaced by venite advocati (O come, all ye lawyers). Sellers often noted with pride that their homes were protected by the finest Dutch Boy lead paint. Ah, the innocence and simplicity of those days.

Now a question comes to mind: Who will be the heroes of the zeros as we zoom toward the new millennium? Keeping in mind present trends, ponder the potential real estate news stories of the next century:

DATELINE: 20-SOMETHING, ANYTOWN, U.S.A.--A milestone was reached when salespeople's commission cut at Illfated Realty exceeded 100 percent. This event is hailed by billion-dollar producer Sandra Superseller as “casting off the last shackles of the servitude imposed on us by generations of fat-cat brokers.”

Comments her employer, Peter Putupon, “This latest expense is burdensome, but we hope to offset it with a combination of gratuities from our affinity partners, food stamps, and revenues from our coffee room vending machines.”

Informed sources have revealed that the U.S. Bureau of Unlimited Residential Nitpicking (BURN), after a study of carbon dioxide pollution in urban housing, is considering a ban on the sale of homes in which the current occupants have exhaled excessively, thus raising the atmosphere's carbon dioxide content to unacceptable levels.

Nationwide, this excess breathing has reportedly caused shortness of breath in 32.6 percent of elderly buyers and the death of an estimated 14,000 canaries annually. Exhaling into airtight and disposable bags is said to mitigate this problem, according to a BURN representative.

In what’s believed to be a longevity record for listing contracts, 35 Comatose Lane was recently placed under a purchase contract. Records show it was first listed in 1935 at $3,499, despite a CMA that suggested a probable $2,900 selling price.

The 1935 listing provided that the asking price be raised annually to match increases in the Consumer Price Index. It was sold last week to an unidentified NFL quarterback for $6,490,000, with the sellers paying a $389,400 commission, $202,600 in inspection fees, and legal costs of $189,000.

The sale had been delayed for more than a decade by recently settled litigation charging that a 17th-century land grant required that the entire area occupied by Anytown be devoted exclusively to goat propagation. Settlement included an undisclosed donation to various goats’ rights organizations.

Intergalactic Pied Pipers Inc. announced that, having franchised the last remaining independent brokerage on Earth, it has shifted its marketing focus to other planets. It’s launching a massive talent hunt for sales personnel with large heads, green bodies, and an ability to function in an oxygen-free environment.

Considering existing technology that permits searching for, inspecting, purchasing, and experiencing--through virtual reality--a new home anywhere in the world, scientists predict that physically moving from one location to another will become obsolete.